When did the ambitions of the day turn into sucking dick and the cool end of a crack pipe? Maybe I have a crush on her. Or maybe I am so bored I don't care what happens, as long as something does. Ashley cakes on her makeup. She looks so focused, like she's deciphering hieroglyphics instead of painting elaborate eyeliner swirls. "Why are you putting on makeup now?" I ask. "The party isn't until tonight. You do realize we're just going to meet up with the guy at McDonald's, right?" "Well, yeah," she says, now focusing on applying her mascara. She makes zig-zag lines running the brush up her eyelashes. "But I like to look nice in front of people I've slept with before." I press my lips together. "Oh right! How long ago was that?" I feign indifference. "I remember you said he was pretty good." I make faces in the mirror and play with my baggy t-shirt. "Yeah, not bad. Mostly cause he doesn't get coke dick somehow." "Oh, you are so silly. You just can't handle when you and I are on coke and go at it for hours." I slowly look up at her. The lip gloss wand clicks together. "Done," she says. "And I will have you know I like going at it with you for hours as much as the last three girls you slept with this week." "Touché."
+
I'm 19—I still get away with spilling only three quarters into the coin-slot on the bus & I'm only met with mild suspicion when using my fake ID to get into fag bars. When I was 17, stealing what you wanted or bribing someone else's more lenient parent were the only options that let themselves be known. It doesn't take more than one moment of convenient apathy of a cashier to nab a bottle of Tequila Rose off even the highest of liquor store shelves. But here I am now in Ashley's apartment. Ashley lives like an exploding fairy, surrounded by crushed cigarettes and glossy magazines and glitter. Combat boots and I'm ready to go.
+
Ashley and I take the 242 bus to the Encino McDonald's. But Goldman, our drug dealer du jour, is nowhere to be found. Ashley calls him. Apparently he meant another McDonald's. "Fuck. How far away is it?" I ask, trying not to pout. "Just a few blocks, we can walk it." Ashley says, focused. "Ugh fine. Is he gonna wait for us?" "No. He is friends with someone who works there so we are just going to pick it up from him." Goldman's voices hisses like acid spit on speakerphone. "Sorry girls, I have a motivational seminar to go to." Silence. "We're seriously going to entrust someone else with an eight ball of coke?" I ask Ashley. "Hell no," she says, rolling her eyes. "You know I have my ways. I did sleep with the guy, remember?" "Oh, okay." I smile.
+
Goldman was right: a few streets down and we are there. This Mcdonalds is a lot bigger than the one we went to, complete with a PlayPlace and generous parking. No wonder he thought that was the one we meant. What an asshole for not waiting, but that's the schedule of serving the population of dopaminergic dopesters in the valley.
+
Rivulets of warm liquid drip down my inner thighs. Shit. And I just bought these boxers. "Fuck. I just started my period. I thought I was just really constipated from the coke use so I didn't say anything, but yeah. You know how bad my cramps are. I need to go to the bathroom." "Oh you poor thing. I'll meet you there, I'll go pick up the stuff." She doesn't even flinch.
ASHLEY
I walk in the restaurant and the blast of air conditioning combined with the automatic door let anyone looking know I was going commando. Perfect. I definitely have Daniel's attention. Behind various steel microwaves I can see he's in the middle of making a chicken sandwich. I smile at him and look around. He finishes making the sandwich without even looking at it and yells to no one in particular that he was taking his 15 minutes. "Hey! You look great." I give him a hug. "Oh you know. I do tend to shine." He grins, wiping his hands on a towel. "Wanna go in my car?" "Let's go!" I say, walking in front of him.
+
I walk to the car casually. When I close the door, I go right in and kiss him. Before I let go I'm straddling him on the drivers seat. "Damn I missed you," he says. "Me too," I say softly. "So. You know why I came here." He nods. "Where is it?" "In the glove compartment." Still on top of him, I search around for what I'm looking for. I stick my finger in the little baggie, and then in my mouth. "Um, is this some type of joke?" "It's just strawberry coke, you've had it before," he says. I laugh. "I'm not an idiot! Fucker, you switched it! This is fucking.. confectionery sugar. Like hell I'd give you cash for this!" I breathe. "Okay. Where is it." "Like I'd be stupid enough to bring it in the car with me." Effortlessly I tie his hands behind the drivers seat with the underwear I wasn't wearing.
+
"Anything you wanna tell me now?" I ask. "You certainly have a lot of time. I can be quite considerate. Look, I don't even have a timer! I'm nicer than a therapist." Daniel sighs. "Goldman never got it... You bought him out the last couple of days.." "Because we can't save coke! That's just impossible. But we were still the ones who are supposed to bring it to the party tonight. It's like a potluck, but with drugs," I explain. "I just wanted to see you, that's all." "Well that's very nice. But you could have just asked me out he normal way and not have wasted my time!" "I can help you get some coke by tonight. I know your friend Hanna has some." "Hanna's really more of V's friend." A balloon deflates in my chest. i can't think of anything to fill the awkward silence, until i think of v. "Oh fuck. V is still in the bathroom." "She can't be," Daniel says. "I just cleaned them." "Where is she then?" "I don't know, she's your friend." "Knowing her..." "She's in the playhouse." I get up to go look for her. "You can't leave me like this!" Daniel protests. "You know all too well I have IBS!" "Aw, you don't want to shit in your car?" I giggle. "Ugh, fine. I'll untie you. But you have to be helpful!"
+
And here V is, a pile of flesh wrapped in a baggy faded black shirt for a dress and lime green tights. The boy shorts she's wearing underneath have bloodstains in the middle. She mumbles something. "What happened?" I ask. "You were taking forever so I assumed you were fucking.. And my cramps were really bad so I took my emergency stash of ketamine." V's eyes roll around like someone behind her head is spinning them. "I can't believe I'm on tv!!" "shit," I say to myself. "Why are you holding your eyelids up?" Daniel asks her. "So I don't fall down, shithead." V rolls her eyes. ugh. Pretty girls that swear make me swoon. "Daniel never had drugs," I explain. "you two bought out Goldman," Daniel adds. v stares at him. "I want to chop up your dick and sell it to this place as a food additive," V mumbles in a mix of incoherent anger. Then she starts laughing and curls up into a ball, still keeping her eyelids up. "But," I add, "Hanna has some coke!" "Hanna! My love. Hanananananana. Let's call her." she says from her ball. "How about I do that?" I offer. "Okay." I dial Hanna's number and she answers. "Hello?" "Hey." "Can you pick me up at the big McDonald's in Encino?" "Sure Ashley. I just got out of school. I'll be there in a sec."
+
"I need to get back to work," Daniel says. "Okay. Bring V with you!" "I can't! Do you know how dangerous that would be? There are too many burning things in that kitchen." "Fine." I get out a piece of paper and wrote I have syphilis and place it on V's lap. "That should work." "Why can't you just take her with you and Hanna?" Daniel asks. "I've been around V on k before," i remind him. "Movement is too much for her right now." v looks like a dog running her in sleep. she stops holding her eyelids up. "I believe it."
+
"Thanks for picking me up," I say as I slide into Amy's black convertible. "No problem," she says. "You know I've lost count of what we owe each other. I just figure you owe me no matter what at this point." She grins. "Oh, is that so?" God, I missed flirting with this bitch. "Mm-hmm," she agrees matter-of-factly. I try to think coherently but I'm in a pheromone mist. "So, uh," clearing my throat as I try to sound suave, "What did you have in mind?" "Oh you know. The school, like old times. Imagine how hot that would be. And we can fuck in the bathrooms and see how many classes it takes us." I lean over to kiss her cheek. we're at a stoplight. She has her hand inching up my thigh, then when her hand must have been on fire from how she was rubbing, she slides her hand, hard, under my jeans and boxers. My belt's loose anyway. The ride can't be much longer, but the anticipation gets me hot. Something about getting away with turning her on immensely in this state where she can't jump on me in return, lest she lose control of the wheel, is utterly and terrifically fun. We finally pull up in the school parking lot. It isn't locked--enough of a safe neighborhood. We go inside. No guards, of course. This is LAUSD.
+
Amy and I saunter in, giggling like freshmen. The pink-tiled bathroom in Hall L looks the same, like some timeless staple of government-paid misery. Still the smell of soap and girl deodorant and piss. Undeniably piss. And weed, but not nearly enough to be fresh. And someone florescent lighting does have a smell, even if it's just the stench of antiseptic that seems to devotedly follow. She pushes me into a stall, first just leading me in with a smile and her hand on mine, but now it's my turn to take control. Her leaned against the door, now locked and her weight fully pressed against it. My hand's on her throat to keep her standing more than anything, she has a tendency to sink down on the floor, her legs get weak. We've fucked on a lot of tables and floors. My lips are everywhere on her, not bothering to take off her clothes but instead just grabbing a sleeve so it isn't in the way--pushing her shirt up so I can suck on her nipples--until I'm about to kneel down and tease her with hot breath between her thighs, she suddenly stops moaning and grabs me by my hair, upward until I'm dizzy and realize that I'm now in her former position. She leans up against me, her body pressing into mine with her shirt still above her breasts, no bra. She never wears a bra. She gropes me while biting my neck, my ear--she does this with true delight as she, in sadistic glee at pushing my most favorite button. She moves her hand down to my crotch, cups me hard, above my clothes. She kneels down and I'm powerless. She slips down my pants, kisses me everywhere but there, until she does, it's like she's making out with me there, small circles with tongue, then oh my god she is fucking me with her tongue, and more again, and it stops for a few seconds, seconds even though I still feel her hot breath, and I hear the sounds of her mouth and then feel her fingers inside me. She knows how I like to get fucked, where my g spot is, but she always finds it all over again anyways, trying everything until I'm just a blur of bliss, all hers, and then I realize this, she realizes this, and comes up to kiss me, still fucking me, her hot breath biting at my throat, and I shake so she's just breathing on my neck, us both panting, and I come. We hear our moans echo in the hallway and laugh even louder. We get our clothes on right as the bell rings. A flood of girls fills the bathroom. "It smells like pussy in here!" a girls voice remarks jovially.
+
We emerge from the stall sweating and smiling, giggling like maniacs as we run into the hallway, avoiding eye contact with all but each other. On the ride home she gives me a hug and a baggie of coke. "Are you going to the party?" I ask. "No. You know Shae's gonna be there," she says sourly. "Oh. Okay. You shouldn't let your ex get in the way of doing what you want. Just sayin'." "Well I don't think that's really happening." She grins. I blush. "See you later."
+
I get dropped off. Back at the McDonalds, only now the sun isn't burning and the sky is turning a grey lavendar. I try to look inconspicuous as I go into the PlayPlace to find V. I find her in the middle of a yellow tunnel. I push her down into the slide but she gets stuck at the top. None of the parents do anything. They just roll their eyes and eat their food. V finally wakes up when a little girl starts whining, "Why won't she go?" and another little boy wants to impress the little girl so he clasps onto V's shin like a body pillow, pushing her down onto to the floor. V lands. She wipes the hours-worth of drool off her face and hisses at him as she slowly gets up. She takes a stack of Pokemon cards from the little girl he was trying to impress and throws them everything. An older woman asks, "What are you even doing here?" "Playing Pokemon, god damn it." She says in a throaty grunt, obviously still in a torpor. "So, are you ready for the party?" "I don't know, Ashley. You're free to go, but I'm pretty tired." "What do you think coke is even FOR?" "Oh that's right! Just pump me up with more drugs!" She smiles. "Okay. But if I pass out again, I want something cooler than syphilis."
+
A puff of silvery purple hair on the dashboard. V is doing a line in Daniel's car. An older woman walks up. V comes up, finger under her nose, snorting. "Want some?" she asks with a smirk. I just take the baggie and put a key in and they snort the coke off the key. I get a call from Amy. "Apparently she wants to come," I say. "yeah, i bet," v says before she can stop herself. "can she pick us up?" Amy heard her and she says of course.
+
Like all bitches lucky enough to be born with a natural aptitude for subterfuge and manipulation, Amy doesn't go to a party without a plan.
"You only want to go to this party so Shae can see you with me and be jealous!" Ashley says, more amused than pissed. "Yes! We discussed this! And you're completely compliant," Amy says coolly. "Yeah, I am."
+
"Oh you're here! Thank god." Jamie answers the door. she hugs me, Amy, and V. And then hugs us again. She's on Ecstasy by the way she hugs, I can tell. I smile back at her. The room is dark and full of pillows. People are sitting on the blankets on the floor talking to one another or laying down. One cat saunters around and the kids on E are having way too much fun petting her, but it's absolutely lovely. V and I whip out the baggie. Some people trade us a line or two for a Valium. We all sit down. I get out a tampon applicator and a CD case. There are plenty of snorts ignored as the sound of normal use (or abuse), even Jamie gets out a lollipop and dips it in the stash like one of those old candies with the dip-in flavor powder. She starts scratching herself, first casually, then a little more determined, more than can be discarded as typical drug itchiness, especially that it isn't even something that would really make her itchy, like a Percocet. Her nose starts to look a little more red, her rubbing it back and forth harsher. "Jamie, are you okay?" "Yeah I'm fine, maybe this lollipop.. maybe this lollipop was too much.." she says between more abrupt snorts, trying to declog her sinuses but all I can hear is how much snot she has, and she's holding up her nose like she's trying not to sneeze and so she runs away to the bathroom to sneeze on her hands but I know what she's doing because I've done it before, she sneezes on her hands and then licks the snot up as to not waste any drugs. At least it's not drinking your own piss: we know people that do this. And all we think is the Fight Club quote, it's Sterile, Tyler says. She comes back in, determined to be fine. "I'm fine," she declares. But she gets all fidgety again and can't help it and so finally after V and I do more lines and are totally fine, dancing around to the music, me kind of wishing I could be fucking Kristen Stewart and not doing lines off of her face, she looks around the room, miserable, and then sees the cat. "FUCK! I think I'm having an allergic reaction to your cat," Jamie says frantically. I bite my lip. She's probably right. There's cat hair on everything you own once you have a cat. Especially warm, fresh laundry. Especially everything. "Oh god," she fans her face with her hand, "no, fuck, I think I'm having an allergic reaction to your cat." I give her some Benadyrl and she curls up into a ball, moving to satiate the energized part of herself but resting as to not fight the drowsiness in her eyes.
+
V and I stay up, draw and paint a slate of white cardboard we found on the way home, and wash all three uniforms. We can't sleep so we turn on the TV and laugh at the absurd infomercials. We especially laugh at the Jesus ones. It's a joke to us, the miracle water, we try to imitate the voices of being saved. So far the only person I've seen walk from being held to a wheelchair was some guy at Pershing Square Station. he invited me over to his place, I said no, and to shake my hand, he stood up from his wheelchair in a way that clearly signified that he didn't need it. I saw him a few days later without it, sitting, looking bored in his red jacket.
+
Amy's ex, Shae, ends up being one of horniest girls I've ever met. She's also extraordinarily pretty. She finds two suitable lovers and guides them over to her section of the room. Amy gawks. She makes a noise of disgust and slams the door on her way out. V goes out to follow her but I stay inside and ingest more drugs. Also I need to make out with someone to keep my mouth busy. V comes back in a minute and whispers to me that Amy called the cops. "Fucking bitch!" I say, managing righteous anger versus a watery feeling of bliss. "I can't believe she did that just because she saw her ex getting tag-teamed! What did she even expect? Gosh. What can she even report? We're not loud." "I don't know. But knowing LA cops, we have at least an hour not to worry," she says thoughtfully. "Everyone needs to leave in an hour!" I yell to no one in particular. A general groan of consensus fills the room. "Alright, we're set," V says, her eyes extremely focused on Amy's tits.
+
No one wants to go home alone so all the remaining drugged-up bodies pitch in for a motel nearby. Not one of us bothers to brush our teeth. We just pass out. From behind her hair, V tells me she loves me. "I love you too, V," I say, although mostly to my pillow. For breakfast we order black cherry pancakes from service. We fall asleep before they get to our room, left cold in the hallway.